I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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