i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
