Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
