Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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