but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
