i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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