they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
