watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
