just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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