someone get that fucking seahorse.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
