Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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