What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
