she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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