the condom got lost in my hair
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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