when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
