No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
