he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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