I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
