I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize