I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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