how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
