Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
