and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
