I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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