He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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