i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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