Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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