listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
