her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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