he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
