im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need a beard to bite.
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