i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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