my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
