Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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