I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
