Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
