i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
