It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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