im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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