I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize