**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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