Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
