you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
