Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
