where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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