i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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