I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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