every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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