i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
