so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
