So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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