So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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