He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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