Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
