I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
