i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
