No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
